Interviewer: We are once again on location in Montgomery Village, where Filly the cat has agreed to speak with us again regarding some strange occurrences in the neighborhood.
I: I’m sorry?
F: Domain. My domain. What is this ‘neighborhood’ thing of which you speak?
I: Oh, yes, I forgot. My fault. I repeat, some strange occurrences in your domain. Now, Filly, could you describe the situation here since the last time we spoke with you.
F: Oh, where to begin, where to begin…
I: Take your time, we have all night. <notices Filly snoring, nudges her> Not literally!
F: <scowling> The nerve of some people! Anyway. Oh, it’s just been terrible, you know! My kingdom…my KINGDOM…has been…INVADED!
I: <looks around> I…I don’t see any invading armies here.
F: Of course not. They’ve gone to bed. But it’s true, I say. I’ve been invaded by…by…by HUMANS!
I: Oh, I see. Would there be two of these humans, perhaps?
F: Why, yes. Good to see you paid attention, little man. And they’re taking up my space!
I: Now, I’ve done some research, and I’m reasonably certain that these humans are the parents of your human, here for a visit. They live in another country, so they visit for a few weeks at a time when they come. Does that sound correct?
F: How should I know? I’m a cat. You humans all look the same to me. Hideous, to be precise. Except when you have those marvelous treats…you didn’t bring any, did you?
I: <coughs> Err, no, um, not this, um, time. <coughs again> Darned allegations…I AM NOT A KITTY DRUG DEALER!
<silence, broken by crickets chirping>
F: Boy, do you have issues…
I: Child, I don’t have issues, I have the entire subscription. Moving on! <clears throat> So, back to the invasion…how do you justify complaining about these humans when they are the parents of your human?
F: It’s very simple. This is my house. My domain. My kingdom. And here they are, sleeping when they want to sleep, eating when they want to eat, and generally just acting like they own the place. Why, you’d think they thought they were me!
I: …Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
F: Are you mocking me? Human, I will have your head removed.
I: Yeah, whatever. Okay, so they’ve moved in, set up shop, and here they are. But I have it on good authority that they won’t be here much longer, so I think you can stop worrying about that. Anything else unusual going on lately?
F: Well…that slacking human of mine…she’s apparently taken on another outside job. <shakes head> And just when I thought I had broken her of that! Why, she only waits on me hand and foot for a few minutes a day now! Can you believe it?
I: But that job is paying for your treats…
F: So she says. What a silly idea! I rule this kingdom, why would I need to pay for anything?
I: Right. Filly, I’m not so sure that that is how the real world works.
F: The real world is a pretty strange place, little man. You should visit it sometime.
I: And to think, I called you a pleasant interviewee a few days ago…
F: You want real? Let’s talk real. Real bizarre, that is!
I: Oh, great! I’m game, let’s hear it.
F: <looks around furtively, then conspiratorial whisper> The machines in this place are alive!
I: …Maybe I should go, I think this is a bad time for you…
F: No, really! They talk to each other at night!
I: Okay, I’ll play along. If that’s true, then why hasn’t your human said anything about it?
F: <rolls eyes> Because she can’t hear them, of course. Oh, she hears noises, but she can’t understand them.
I: And you can?
F: I’m a cat. Obviously I know everything.
I: Right. Tell me more.
F: Okay. Are you listening? Good. It all started the day she had MY cable and internet service turned on–what?
I: <amused> Oh, nothing. Continue.
F: You’re on thin ice, human.
I: What else is new?
F: <glowering> Anyway, that night, I swear to you, I heard the laptop and that little tablet computer thingy TALKING to each other. Then the cell phone and the printer got in on it. Then they started doing some strange religious ritual, all bowing and chanting. It was seriously rattling my calm, I tell you.
I: Right. Well, as you say.
F: Don’t believe me? Well, just ask my human–IF she remembers. With the bump on the head she took last night, she probably won’t.
I: <alarmed> She hit her head last night?! Did you check on her?
F: Yes, she hit it when she fell.
I: Well, is she okay? What happened?
F: Settle down, man. She’s okay, I guess. Does it matter? You don’t need a high IQ to serve food and change a litter box.
I: Cat, now YOU are seriously rattling MY calm.
F: <sighs> She’s fine. She was just understandably startled when the blender spoke to her. Now there’s an appliance she can understand!!
I: Be careful, cat, you know she’s going to take that as a fat joke if she reads this. It wasn’t, was it?
F: Of course not. She isn’t fat, and I never joke.
I: Good choice, that. So, you’re saying the blender SPOKE to her?
F: Yes, I am. <whispers> And confidentially, those kitchen appliances are all shady as can be. They’re planning something.
I: What do you mean, planning something?
F: I think they’re planning a hostile takeover of the house!
I: You’re pulling my leg…
F: Eww, no, it’s fat and ugly. Hey, I bet you understand the blender AND the refrigerator! And yes, that WAS a fat joke!
I: Could we stay on task, please, this could be important…
F: Right, right. Well, they already tried to kill my human…they don’t get along with the electronics…what could be next but to assault me directly?
I: … … …Okay, that’s enough feline megalomania for one day, I think. Nice talking to you, Filly. <stands up>
F: Wait! Just remember, if my kingdom falls, you’ll be next! Don’t say you weren’t warned!!!
I: Sure, sure… <looks down at screen where he has been taking notes>
Printer: <waking up> Hey, you! Want me to print that up for you?
F: I TRIED to warn him…