The opinions of the Interviewee are her own, and should not be construed as representing the opinions of the reporting agency.
Interviewer: Thank you for talking to us today, Filly–may I call you Filly?
Filly: <grooming herself> …
I’m sorry, Lesser Being, were you speaking?
I: Well, ma’am, I was asking if I may call you by your name.
F: Only if you don’t expect me to answer to it.
I: Ah…that may make things a bit difficult for us here today.
F: …I’m sorry, are you still talking? <returns to grooming>
I: We’re here today to talk about your new residence. What can you tell us about it?
F: My palace?
I: Well, if you prefer…
F: Yes. Well, I suppose it will do for now, until my royalty is recognized.
I: You are royalty?
F: Is there a question here?
I: Of what nation?
F: All of them. I know you were being rhetorical. Silly…human? Is that what you call yourselves these days?
I: I’m sensing a little bit of condescension here.
I: Alright, then…moving on. Tell us what you like about the new house.
F: It’s mine.
I: It is?
F: Again, is there a question here?
I: Well, I think the human who lives with you might take issue with that.
F: She changes my litter box. Are you going to believe the hired help?
I: She’s paying for the place. I’m not sure you can really call her the hired help.
I: Well, now, that’s not very–
I: She doesn’t really–
I: Oh, come on, you–
F: Masseuse. Do I really need to go on here?
I: <sigh> Alright, you made your point. Let’s move on. Is there anything else you like?
F: Well, there’s something to be said for the height. It’s three stories.
I: I see. And why is that important to you?
F: It befits my station in life much better than that first-floor hovel she called an apartment. After all, now, I can look down on my human subjects from an appropriate height. It inspires the appropriate fear in the hearts of the lesser beings. Keeps them in line.
I: Ah. Well, then, you must have their respect.
F: <yawns again>
I: Right. Well, then, is there anything about the house that you don’t care for?
F: The kitchen.
I: The kitchen? Why?
F: It isn’t big enough. I mean, the woman has her little corner of the countertop, but how am I supposed to fit all of my provisions in that one refrigerator? And those cabinets! Just a dreadful shortage of space, I tell you. Think of the cat treats!
I: Of course. I should have thought of that. Is there anything else?
I: Right, right…Just a few more questions, then. <clears throat> I, ah, hear a rumor that there may be a dog in your future.
F: What? Who told you that?! Where did you hear it?!
I: I said it was a rumor.
F: Total nonsense! I would never allow one of those…creatures…in my palace. I don’t need a court jester.
I: If the rumor is correct, it’s your human who would be allowing it in.
F: …That’s just silly. She wouldn’t do that.
I: Why not?
F: Because then she’d be homeless and unemployed. I’d kick her out.
I: I wouldn’t say that to her. Employment is a sensitive issue right now.
F: Why? She works for me. How much more job security can you need?
I: But you just said she’d be unemployed…
F: Yes…I’d kill her in her sleep, and so of course she’d be out of a job. Why aren’t you getting this?
Alrighty, then. Well, It’s good to see you getting along so well with her…but I’m not sure she would agree with your, um, assessment of your relationship with her.
F: …are you suggesting that I can’t control my employees?
I: Employees? You have more than one?
F: Oh, you know, those turtles. But they’re useless. All day long, it’s “splash” this and “splish” that and eat anything that moves…wait…maybe they have something with that…
I: So then, why do you keep them on?
F: Snack food for the zombie apocalypse. What? My human watches a lot of movies.
I: I think I’d almost like to see that–you trying to eat the turtles.
F: What do you mean, “trying”?
I: Yes, exactly. At any rate, tell us a little more about your human, and then we’ll be through.
F: <sigh> Not going to let this go, are you?
I: She’s popular. I hear she has a fan club.
F: Yes, they used to be mine, until they all became stalkers. I’m a cat–I like attention when I want it, not when they want to give it. Besides, the poor thing needed something to fill her spare time with.
I: I can hear our audience laughing incredulously.
I: Really. Well, I have it on good authority that she’s very well liked.
F: Alright, alright–I will grudgingly admit that she is a…satisfactory human. But, humans–who can understand ’em?
I: Good enough, I suppose.
F: <narrows eyes> The cat is not amused.
I: <dryly> No, I suppose you wouldn’t be. Well, Filly, I want to thank you for speaking to me today, and for sharing this time with…with…are you snoring?
F: <waking up> Are you STILL here? Humans can be SO complicated…