An Interview With Your Cat, On The Occasion Of Your New Home

Pictured: Every Cat, Everywhere, Anytime

Pictured: Every Cat, Everywhere, Anytime

The opinions of the Interviewee are her own, and should not be construed as representing the opinions of the reporting agency.

Interviewer:  Thank you for talking to us today, Filly–may I call you Filly?

Filly: <grooming herself> …

I’m sorry, Lesser Being, were you speaking?

I:  Well, ma’am, I was asking if I may call you by your name.

F:  Only if you don’t expect me to answer to it.

I:  Ah…that may make things a bit difficult for us here today.

F:  …I’m sorry, are you still talking?  <returns to grooming>

I:  We’re here today to talk about your new residence.  What can you tell us about it?

F:  My palace?

I:  Well, if you prefer…

F:  Yes.  Well, I suppose it will do for now, until my royalty is recognized.

I:  You are royalty?

F:  Is there a question here?

I:  Of what nation?

F:  All of them.  I know you were being rhetorical.  Silly…human?  Is that what you call yourselves these days?

I:  I’m sensing a little bit of condescension here.

F:  <yawns>

I:  Alright, then…moving on.  Tell us what you like about the new house.

F:  It’s mine.

I:  It is?

F:  Again, is there a question here?

I:  Well, I think the human who lives with you might take issue with that.

F:  She changes my litter box.  Are you going to believe the hired help?

I: She’s paying for the place.  I’m not sure you can really call her the hired help.

F:  Janitor.

I:  Well, now, that’s not very–

F:  Cook.

I:  She doesn’t really–

F:  Chauffeur.

I:  Oh, come on, you–

F:  Masseuse.  Do I really need to go on here?

I:  <sigh>  Alright, you made your point.  Let’s move on.  Is there anything else you like?

F:  Well, there’s something to be said for the height.  It’s three stories.

I:  I see.  And why is that important to you?

F:  It befits my station in life much better than that first-floor hovel she called an apartment.  After all, now, I can look down on my human subjects from an appropriate height.  It inspires the appropriate fear in the hearts of the lesser beings.  Keeps them in line.

I:  Ah.  Well, then, you must have their respect.

F:  <yawns again>

I:  Right.  Well, then, is there anything about the house that you don’t care for?

F:  The kitchen.

I:  The kitchen?  Why?

F:  It isn’t big enough.  I mean, the woman has her little corner of the countertop, but how am I supposed to fit all of my provisions in that one refrigerator?  And those cabinets!  Just a dreadful shortage of space, I tell you.  Think of the cat treats!

I:  Of course.  I should have thought of that.  Is there anything else?

F:  …

I:  Right, right…Just a few more questions, then.  <clears throat>  I, ah, hear a rumor that there may be a dog in your future.

F:  What?  Who told you that?!  Where did you hear it?!

I:  I said it was a rumor.

F:  Total nonsense!  I would never allow one of those…creatures…in my palace.  I don’t need a court jester.

I:  If the rumor is correct, it’s your human who would be allowing it in.

F:  …That’s just silly.  She wouldn’t do that.

I:  Why not?

F:  Because then she’d be homeless and unemployed.  I’d kick her out.

I:  I wouldn’t say that to her.  Employment is a sensitive issue right now.

F:  Why?  She works for me.  How much more job security can you need?

I:  But you just said she’d be unemployed…

F:  Yes…I’d kill her in her sleep, and so of course she’d be out of a job.  Why aren’t you getting this?

I:  …

Alrighty, then.  Well, It’s good to see you getting along so well with her…but I’m not sure she would agree with your, um, assessment of your relationship with her.

F:  …are you suggesting that I can’t control my employees?

I:  Employees?  You have more than one?

F:  Oh, you know, those turtles.  But they’re useless.  All day long, it’s “splash” this and “splish” that and eat anything that moves…wait…maybe they have something with that…

I:  So then, why do you keep them on?

F:  Snack food for the zombie apocalypse.  What?  My human watches a lot of movies.

I:  I think I’d almost like to see that–you trying to eat the turtles.

F:  What do you mean, “trying”?

I:  Yes, exactly.  At any rate, tell us a little more about your human, and then we’ll be through.

F:  <sigh>  Not going to let this go, are you?

I:  She’s popular.  I hear she has a fan club.

F:  Yes, they used to be mine, until they all became stalkers.  I’m a cat–I like attention when I want it, not when they want to give it.  Besides, the poor thing needed something to fill her spare time with.

I:  I can hear our audience laughing incredulously.

F:  Savages.

I:  Really.  Well, I have it on good authority that she’s very well liked.

F:  Alright, alright–I will grudgingly admit that she is a…satisfactory human.   But, humans–who can understand ’em?

I:  Good enough, I suppose.

F:  <narrows eyes>  The cat is not amused.

I:  <dryly>  No, I suppose you wouldn’t be.  Well, Filly, I want to thank you for speaking to me today, and for sharing this time with…with…are you snoring?

F:  <waking up>  Are you STILL here?  Humans can be SO complicated…



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