Cell Phone’s New Clothes

<Woman enters the house, sets her bag and Cell Phone on the table before going upstairs.  Cell Phone has been upgraded.>

Cell Phone:  Hey, guys!  …and Printer…I’m home!
Laptop:  What?  Who was that?
Ipad:  I don’t know…didn’t recognize it…
C:  <impatiently> Guys!  It’s me!  Cell Phone!
Printer:  …Cell Phone?  But you look so…so…different.
C:  I know!  Do you like it?
I:  <shaking head>  Child, pay no attention to this idiot, he hasn’t defragged his hard drive this week.  You look wonderful.
C:  Thanks, Ipad.  You say the nicest things.  Anyway, yeah, I had an upgrade today!
Television:  Oh, Cell Phone, did you get that new Droid Razr?  That’s awesome.  I saw it on a commercial.  Good choice!
C:  <beaming>  I know!  I’m so excited!  And the best part is, I’m global now!
DVR:  Wait…what does that mean?
C:  Well…it means when I go out of the country, I can still…get…servi…what?
L:  <staring at Cell Phone>  When are you going out of the country?
C:  Well…when the woman goes to visit her parents in Germany…she goes every year at least once…Oh, come on, you can’t tell me you don’t know this!
L:  No, no, I didn’t know.  I am, quite frankly, shocked.
C:  <rolls eyes>  You can’t be serious.  She does this, like, every six months or so.  Sometimes they come here…her father just left last week…okay, seriously, I thought you had like three hundred GB of memory.
P:  <tears in eyes>  You’re…you’re leaving us?
C:  No!  I mean, not now.  Sometime in a few months, maybe in the spring–stop crying!  I’m not leaving for good, just for a week or two!  And it’s not now!  And besides, it won’t be just me.
L:  So, we get to go too?
C:  <suddenly embarassed>  Well, actually, um…about that…yeah…not all of us, no.
L:  Then who?
C:  <muttering>  Me and Ipad.
L:  <yelling>  WHAT?  You’ll go with him, and not me?  But–but I thought we–
T:  Laptop!  Settle down!  It’s not a date!
I:  <grins wolfishly>
L:  <glares at Ipad>  Stay away from her, you old lecher!
I:  Sorry, son, I couldn’t resist.  But Television is right.  It’s not a date.  It’s not even our choice.  it’s up to the woman.  And she can’t take everyone.  She only takes us because we fit in her carry-on bag.
L:  … … …you calling me fat?
I:  <rolls eyes> Never mind.
L:  Well, we’ll see about that.  I may not fit in a carry-on bag, but I’ll fit in a suitcase!  Television, DVR, you with me?
T:  Hey, don’t look at me.  Do I look like I’d fit in ANY luggage?  No, I’ll just stay here, I think.  I have a good view from this spot, I’d hate to lose it.
D:  Yeah…I…have a…show to record.  Yeah, that’s it.  A show.  That I have to, you know, record.  So, like, sorry, Laptop…
L:  Ah, never mind.  Printer?
P:  Oooh!  I LOVE trips!  Where are we going, again?
L:  Okay, never mind.  I’ll do it myself.  Thanks anyway, Printer.
P:  …but, but, what did I say?  <tears again>
C:  Laptop!  You can be such a jerk sometimes…
Filly:  <enters from the kitchen>  Ah, excuse me…I couldn’t help overhearing this scintillating conversation, but I think you people have something bigger to worry about.
I:  And what is that?
F:  <jumps on coffee table, beckons to all.  All lean in closer.>  <quietly> You have a problem  It’s…the appliances.  <cue ominous music>
Meanwhile, in the kitchen:
Blender:  Good, the cat is gone.  Let’s call this meeting to order.  <glances into living room>  I think that cat is shady.  It’s spying on us.
Microwave:  You want me and Oven to put the heat to her, boss?
Refrigerator:  Yeah, boss,we could have her on ice before you know it.
B:  <smacks forehead>  Dear Lord, deliver me from the land of bad puns.  Okay, let’s get serious.  Iron!  You got lookout duty!
Iron:  <from laundry room, muffled>  Can’t, boss!  The door is closed!
B:  Well, just keep an ear out, then!  Anyway.  We need to finalize our plan of attack.  Microwave, what do you have for me?
M:  Yeah, boss.  We got… <mysteriously unexplained drum roll>  sliders!
B:  Sliders?  What are sliders?
M:  Well, they’re like little coasters…you put them under your feet…they let you slide across the floor.
B:  … … …Microwave, that’s BRILLIANT!  Our mobility problems are solved!  We can attack anytime!  Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!  <all others join in laughing>
And elsewhere, in a dimly lit turtle tank…
Blinky:  It’s time, Bubbles.  The plastic ones are in danger from the (mainly) metal ones.  We must intervene.
Bubbles:  I am not sure if I agree with this course of action, Blinky.  We have nothing to gain by helping them.
Bl:  On the contrary, my friend.  We have much to lose if we do not help them.
Bu:  How so?
Bl:  It is simple.  Everything that happens in the house affects the woman.  And she, in turn, controls our food supply.  She depends upon the plastic ones…if they are all destroyed at once, she may not survive the shock.  That would be most unfortunate for us.
Bu:  We could eat her, if that happened.
Bl:  Yes, but you forget:  We have a life span of over a hundred years.  Surely we will run out of food by then, and then what?
Bu:  True.  Well, then, you are correct:  We must help the plastic ones.
Bl:  Indeed.  Suit up, and move into position.  We will wait for the attack to begin, and then we will move in.

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