Laptop and Cell Phone On a Date (A Short Interlude)

 <at Panera Bread, the Woman leaves the table to place an order>

Laptop:  Cell Phone, I’m so glad you agreed to come here with me today!

Cell Phone:  <aside>  Like I really had a choice…

L:  What was that?

C:  Nothing!  <big fake smile>  I’m so happy to be here!

L:  Awesome!  Hey, Ipad didn’t know…what does “oblivious to sarcasm” mean?

C:  Okay, we need a new writer.  This one has used that joke twice now.  Anyway, I do like this place even if I have to be here with you.

L:  …I’m getting the impression you might not really mean that…

C:  Oh, don’t worry about it.  So, what did you have in mind?

L:  Well, she wanted to work on an article, but I have a better idea…

C:  …Oh no.  Not “Angry Birds” again?!

L:  No!  <chuckles nerously>  I’d NEVER waste your time with…with…okay, yeah, it was “Angry Birds”.  <sigh>

C:  Boy, Laptop, you really know how to treat a girl right,..

L:  Well, I was going to let you run the game.

C:  Oh, please!  You just want me to show you my screen!  Like THAT’S going to happen!  And in public!

L:  Well, yeah, but, baby, you get such better resolution!

C:  Ugh…men are all alike.  Dell gave you a processor and a memory stick, but only enough RAM to run one at a time.

L:  Now, wait a minute here–

C:  Hush!  She’s coming!  <both fall silent as the Woman returns to the table>

Woman:  <noticing screens going dark>  Now that’s strange…did somebody wake up my computer?  Huh.  Oh well, no harm done.  <sits down, begins to work and eat at the same time>

<later, Woman gets up to refill drink and order dessert>

L:  Okay, let’s see if we can get along for a while.  So…tell me about yourself.

C:  Laptop, we live in the same house.  We spend our evenings hanging out on the same kitchen table.    What could you possibly still not know about me?

L:  I don’t know…tell me about your work.

C:  Work?  Hmm…alright, I guess.  Well, I work in information management, same as you and Ipad.

L:  Mm-hmm…but it’s not the same, really.  I mean, we work from home, usually.  You travel a lot for your job, though.

C:  I guess I do.  I never really thought much about it.  But yeah, I do a lot of work on trains and buses, and…oh, yeah, in the car.  You know, I hear it’s actually illegal in some places to do that in the car!  Can you imagine?

L:  I’ve heard about that.  Yes, I read the news every now and then, try not to faint.

C:  Well, I don’t see the big deal.  All I do is pass messages.

L:  And…

C:  And…?

L  AND…

C:  And…<sigh; murmurs> play “Cut the Rope”.

L:  HA!  I KNEW it!  And you lecture ME for “Angry Birds”!

C:  Well…Well…but–“Angry Birds”  is a really big program for me!  I only have so much internal storage space, I can’t handle too many big ones.

L:  <breaking the fourth wall again>  And that one was also sexual, folks!

C:  <hiding a grin>  Smart aleck.

L:  Well, your job could be worse, you know.  You could have to work with Ipad and Printer all day.

C:  Hey, what’s wrong with that?  They seem so nice.  And Printer is a girl, you should  be nice to her.

L:  You know, I’m still not convinced of that!

C:  What?  Why not?

L:  Well, she’s just so…so…pushy.  That’s not really a girl thing, I think.

C;  Hoo, boy, break out the 56k modems, we’re back in the Stone Age, boys!  Look, you misogynistic twerp–

L:  Ah, ah, I thought we were going to try to be nice to each other!

C:  Whatever.  First of all, she is NOT pushy, and second, YOU just have a problem with confident women!

L:  I do not!

C:  <on a roll now> Well, I’M confident!  And just remember, that woman we live with–SHE’S as confident as they get!  What do you have to say to that?

L:  … … …you’re cute when you’re angry?

C:  Oh, you are so—yes, yes, actually, I am.  Thank you!  🙂

L:  <pauses, mustering up courage>  Cell Phone, I…really like you.  I hope we can get together again sometime.

C:  Besides living in the same house already?  <giggles, then gets serious>  Laptop, it just won’t work.  I’m sorry.

L:  What?  Why?!

C:  It’s not you, it’s me…

L:  Oh, no, you don’t get to just wiggle away with that old line.  What do you mean?

C:  <sigh>  alright.  You could have made it easier for me, but…okay.  <takes deep breath>  We’re just…not compatible.

L:  I don’t understand.

C:  It’s our operating systems, Laptop.  You’re Windows, and I’m Android.  It could never work.  We’re just too different!  I’m so sorry.

L:  <sees the Woman returning>  Oh, here she comes.  Well, can we at least talk about it some more later?

C:  I suppose…but don’t get your hopes up too high.  <both shut down as the Woman approaches; she sees screens blank out>

W:  Now, I KNOW someone must be messing with me.  Maybe I shouldn’t leave my stuff at the table when I get up.

Meanwhile, at home in the kitchen:

Blender:  I say we strike while we have the advantage!

Refrigerator:  Ummm…what advantage is that?

Microwave:  <punches refrigerator>  The height advantage, dummy.  You!

R:  Oh, yeah.  Sorry.

M:  Moron.  So when did you have in mind?

B:  I don’t know…depends on the circumstances.  Possibly as early as tonight.

Oven:  Well, strike while the iron is hot, they say!

Iron:  <from laundry room, muffled>  Hey!  I heard that!

B:  <Ignoring Iron>  That’s right!  One thing I know:  This house isn’t big enough for all of us!  And we were here first!  Those electronics must go!

Filly:  <sitting on top of Refrigerator, cleaning her paws>  You boys know this won’t work, right?

B:  And why not?

F:  <yawning, stretching>  Because…you’re all stationary.  None of you have legs.  Obviously.

All Appliances:  <simultaneously>  Dang.

B:  Okay, BACK to the drawing board…<sigh>

TO BE CONTINUED….

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