Printer’s Job Interview

Note:  Most of the characters in this email series were created from scratch, based on devices that–naturally–my friend actually owns.  The personalities I gave them were entirely my creation.  Printer is the one exception; She was loosely inspired by something not of my own creation (with the exception of the running gag regarding her gender).  Here’s the link, if you’re interested:


<camera comes on, shows Printer sitting on table, looking nervous and fidgeting>

Printer:  Oh, are we filming this?  Oh, I’m nervous now, I’ve never been on TV before!

Interviewer:  Actually, we won’t be broadcasting this…this is for record-keeping purposes only.

P:  Oh… <pouts for a second, then brightens>  Well, that’s okay!  I’ll just have to tell all my friends about it.  Hey, maybe I could get a copy!

I:  …Maybe we could stay on task, Miss….um…?

P:  Oh, just call me Printer!

I:  And is that a first name…?

P:  <giggles> No, silly!  That’s my last name!

I:  So your first name is?

P:  Wireless!

I:  … … …Right.  I should’ve guessed.  Um, that isn’t really a very conventional name.

P:  It’s Asian.

I:   Asian?

P:  Yeah!  I was made in Japan!

I:  Of course you were, of course you were.  But your name doesn’t really sound Asian.

P:  Well…you know how in Asia, the family name comes first, right?

I:  Yes…

P:  Well, I come from a whole family of Wireless devices!

I:  <smacks forehead>  I just had to ask…

P:  Seriously!  My mom was a fax machine.

I:  Okay, we’re wandering off subject here…

P:  <brightly>  My dad was a router!!

I:  PRINTER!  Could we please just focus here?

P:  <hiding a grin>  Sorry.  Continue, please.

I:  Alright.  Well.  Now, you’re applying for the position of household printer–

P:  I’m a natural!

I:  Well, that may be.  Tell me, can you print adequately for all household purposes?

P:  Oh, yeah!  I can handle color, black-and-white, text, pics, emails, even photos–oooh, you should see my eight-by-ten glossies!  I’m so awesome, I amaze myself!

I:  Very good, very good.  Education?

P:  Oh, I think you’ll find that all my drivers and certifications are up to date.  Why, I even have a commendation from Kodak!  Yeah, I’m amazing, I know!

I:  I see.  Well, did you have any other qualifications?  Extracurricular activities, maybe?

P:  I did my internship at Staples.  Boy, that ought to count as a public service!  Whoo, the people you meet in that place!

I:  Well, I must say, Printer, that’s very good to hear.  Ah, the position we’re hiring you for, it will require you to get along with a variety of people.  Are you a team player?

P:  <scoffing>  Oh, please.  People love me!  I can connect with anybody…Wireless, remember?

I:  Haha, yes, that’s very clever.  Well, you should understand that this is a household position, not an office.  You’ll be dealing with these individuals in their home environment.  It’s a relaxed work environment, which is always a plus, but you’ll have to resist the temptation to watch a lot of television–

P:  Oooh!  Is he sexy?

I:  …who?

P:  Television!  I knew a Television once, but he was old and creepy.  He used to tell these stories that all started the same way:  <imitates old-man voice> Back in my day, we only had thirteen channels!

I:  <raises eyebrow>

P:  AND we had to get up and walk across the room to change the channel!  <dissolves into loud laughter>  What a silly old man!

I:  Um…

P:  Hmm?

I:  …It was like that when I grew up.

P:  <eyes round>  Really?  No, you’re kidding me.  You’re too young for the Stone Age!

I:  <smacks forehead again>  Why do you kids always say that?

P:  Well, I hope for a SEXY Television this time.  You know, tall, dark, and High Definition!

I:  …Right.  Well, thanks for talking to us, Printer…we’ll be in touch!  Um, on your way out, send in the next applicant.  We have another position to review.

P:  <passes DVR on way out the door>  Oh, hi!  Pleased to meet you!  I’m Printer!

DVR:  I’m DVR.  Nice to meet you, too.  <continues on way, mutters>  What a strange girl…at least, I THINK it was a girl…




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