Note: Most of the characters in this email series were created from scratch, based on devices that–naturally–my friend actually owns. The personalities I gave them were entirely my creation. Printer is the one exception; She was loosely inspired by something not of my own creation (with the exception of the running gag regarding her gender). Here’s the link, if you’re interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HovO21S-FiY
Flashback: PRINTER’S JOB INTERVIEW
<camera comes on, shows Printer sitting on table, looking nervous and fidgeting>
Printer: Oh, are we filming this? Oh, I’m nervous now, I’ve never been on TV before!
Interviewer: Actually, we won’t be broadcasting this…this is for record-keeping purposes only.
P: Oh… <pouts for a second, then brightens> Well, that’s okay! I’ll just have to tell all my friends about it. Hey, maybe I could get a copy!
I: …Maybe we could stay on task, Miss….um…?
P: Oh, just call me Printer!
I: And is that a first name…?
P: <giggles> No, silly! That’s my last name!
I: So your first name is?
I: … … …Right. I should’ve guessed. Um, that isn’t really a very conventional name.
P: It’s Asian.
P: Yeah! I was made in Japan!
I: Of course you were, of course you were. But your name doesn’t really sound Asian.
P: Well…you know how in Asia, the family name comes first, right?
P: Well, I come from a whole family of Wireless devices!
I: <smacks forehead> I just had to ask…
P: Seriously! My mom was a fax machine.
I: Okay, we’re wandering off subject here…
P: <brightly> My dad was a router!!
I: PRINTER! Could we please just focus here?
P: <hiding a grin> Sorry. Continue, please.
I: Alright. Well. Now, you’re applying for the position of household printer–
P: I’m a natural!
I: Well, that may be. Tell me, can you print adequately for all household purposes?
P: Oh, yeah! I can handle color, black-and-white, text, pics, emails, even photos–oooh, you should see my eight-by-ten glossies! I’m so awesome, I amaze myself!
I: Very good, very good. Education?
P: Oh, I think you’ll find that all my drivers and certifications are up to date. Why, I even have a commendation from Kodak! Yeah, I’m amazing, I know!
I: I see. Well, did you have any other qualifications? Extracurricular activities, maybe?
P: I did my internship at Staples. Boy, that ought to count as a public service! Whoo, the people you meet in that place!
I: Well, I must say, Printer, that’s very good to hear. Ah, the position we’re hiring you for, it will require you to get along with a variety of people. Are you a team player?
P: <scoffing> Oh, please. People love me! I can connect with anybody…Wireless, remember?
I: Haha, yes, that’s very clever. Well, you should understand that this is a household position, not an office. You’ll be dealing with these individuals in their home environment. It’s a relaxed work environment, which is always a plus, but you’ll have to resist the temptation to watch a lot of television–
P: Oooh! Is he sexy?
P: Television! I knew a Television once, but he was old and creepy. He used to tell these stories that all started the same way: <imitates old-man voice> Back in my day, we only had thirteen channels!
I: <raises eyebrow>
P: AND we had to get up and walk across the room to change the channel! <dissolves into loud laughter> What a silly old man!
I: …It was like that when I grew up.
P: <eyes round> Really? No, you’re kidding me. You’re too young for the Stone Age!
I: <smacks forehead again> Why do you kids always say that?
P: Well, I hope for a SEXY Television this time. You know, tall, dark, and High Definition!
I: …Right. Well, thanks for talking to us, Printer…we’ll be in touch! Um, on your way out, send in the next applicant. We have another position to review.
P: <passes DVR on way out the door> Oh, hi! Pleased to meet you! I’m Printer!
DVR: I’m DVR. Nice to meet you, too. <continues on way, mutters> What a strange girl…at least, I THINK it was a girl…