Strange Things Happen In Your House At Night…

We now rejoin the further adventures of your electronic devices, already in progress:

Laptop:  Hey, Ipad!
Ipad:  <snoring>
L:  HEY!  IPAD!
I:  What?!  What is it?!  <sees laptop>  Oh.  It’s you.  <rolls eyes>
L:  Yes, it’s me.  What does “oblivious to sarcasm” mean?
I:  …Nah, it’s too easy.  What do you want, son?
L:  Well, for one thing…wait….why do you keep calling me “son”?  I’m older than you.
I:  What does “relative maturity levels” mean?
L:  Pffft.  Never mind.  Where’s Cell Phone?  I haven’t seen her all day.
I:  Oh, I think she’s upstairs in the bedroom.  You know the woman is working again now, right?
L:  Ummmm…….
I:  It’s okay, son.  They have medication for that too.  Anyway, yes, she’s started a new job, and it makes her tired.  When she goes to bed early, so does Cell Phone.
L:  But…but…who am I supposed to talk to at night if Cell Phone is up there?  It’s like I’d have to just be quiet or something.
I:  Imagine that!  <smiles>
L:  Not cool, man, not cool.  <yells>  CELL PHONE! HEY, CELL PHONE!
Cell Phone:  <faintly, from upstairs>  I hear you!  Keep it down, you’ll wake her up!
 
L:  So?
C:  It’s MY job to wake her up!  Just not now!
L:  I don’t get it.  Why not now?
C:  It’s two AM, dipstick!  Good Lord, you’d think you didn’t have an internal clock!
L:  … … … I still don’t get it.
C:  <Can be faintly heard smacking her forehead>  Is it time to upgrade him yet?
L:  Well, come down here and keep us company!  It’s lonely without you!
C:  I can’t!  My charger is plugged in, I’m tied to this spot!
L:  Well, darn.  What are we supposed to do now?
Television:  <turning on>  We could see what’s on, guys.  Since, you know, it’s just us guys here <Flips to Skinemax, I mean Cinemax After Dark>
Printer:  Excuse me!  What am I, invisible?
L:  <conspiratorial whisper> Did we ever decide if Printer is a girl or not?
P:  I heard that!  See if I print any of YOUR documents tomorrow.  Hehe, I hear a paper jam coming on…
DVR:  <nudges Television>  Maybe you should change that.  There is a lady present…err, allegedly, anyway.
P:  Oh, come on, you too, DVR?  Give me a break!
T:  Enough, enough.  Alright, we’ll watch something else.  <flips to the History Channel>
History Channel Narrator:  “…in the late 1990’s, when internet services were largely limited to dialup–“
All except TV:  <screaming>  AAAH!  THE HORROR!  TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!!!!!
T:  <Changing channel>  You guys need to get ahold of yourselves, seriously.  <Switches to Food Network>
D:  Oh, I recognize this.  The woman watches it a lot.  Check it out.
I:  <fascinated>  So, it’s…what?  Electricity for humans, or something?  Is this how they recharge their batteries?
L:  Where do you plug in the cord?
P:  Duh!  Wireless, boys!  <laughs at own joke.  No one else laughs.>
L:  It’s…gross…it’s like a train wreck.  I don’t want to stare, but I can’t look away.  How do they get it in <sees shot of person eating>  Oh, that’s disgusting!  Eww!  I can’t watch this!
T:  <sighs>  Alright, I’ll change it.  Anything else?
D:  Here, I got one.  Put this on, she watches it too.
T:  <brings up recorded version of “The Colbert Report”>  I don’t know about this…
I:  <screen glazes over>  Must…watch…can’t…resist…
L:  Wow, that’s…oh no…no…help!  I’m being flooded with a combination of political stances and satirical humor!  Gonna blow a circuit here!  mayday!  Mayday!  Too funny to handle!
C:  <shouting, but still faint>  GUYS!  SHUT IT DOWN!  SHE’S OUT OF BED AND COMING DOWNSTAIRS!  REPEAT, SHE’S COMING DOWNSTAIRS!  SHUT IT DOWN!
All:  <flurry of activity as screens go dark.  Two seconds later, The Woman enters the room from the stairs>
Woman:  <rubbing eyes>  That’s weird…I could have sworn I heard Stephen Colbert.
D:  <whispering>  Whew, that was close.
W:  Huh?  I swear, I’m hearing things.  Tomorrow night, I’m sleeping with Ambien.  This two AM stuff is making me crazy.  <Proceeds to kitchen, begins making hot chocolate>  At least this will help me get back to sleep.  <laughs>  I mean, that would mean the TV was working on its own.  What’s next?  The laptop and the printer talking to each other?  <looks over at the blender>  And that’s just silly!
Blender:  I know, right? Everyone knows electronics don’t talk.
W:  <faints in shock.  Blender, Refrigerator, and Microwave all bend over to look down at her>
B:  Huh.  Looks like she didn’t have any trouble sleeping after all!
C:  <faintly>  I SAID don’t wake her up!  I swear, nobody has any RESPECT around here…

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