Note: The friend to whom I originally wrote these emails has a running argument with me about respect and consideration and general polite behavior. We disagree on what the proper level of these things is within a friendship…I know, the boring arguments of nerds. Anyway. I expect some flak from her for this, but out of consideration for her own online identity, I’ve removed her name from this and all further entries. If saying “the woman” instead of her name seems awkward, perhaps it is…but I think she should be in charge of her own identifying information, even something as simple as a name. There is far too little privacy on the internet already ~ Timewalkerauthor)
We now rejoin the further adventures of your electronic devices, already in progress:
Laptop: Hey, Ipad!
L: HEY! IPAD!
I: What?! What is it?! <sees laptop> Oh. It’s you. <rolls eyes>
L: Yes, it’s me. What does “oblivious to sarcasm” mean?
I: …Nah, it’s too easy. What do you want, son?
L: Well, for one thing…wait….why do you keep calling me “son”? I’m older than you.
I: What does “relative maturity levels” mean?
L: Pffft. Never mind. Where’s Cell Phone? I haven’t seen her all day.
I: Oh, I think she’s upstairs in the bedroom. You know the woman is working again now, right?
I: It’s okay, son. They have medication for that too. Anyway, yes, she’s started a new job, and it makes her tired. When she goes to bed early, so does Cell Phone.
L: But…but…who am I supposed to talk to at night if Cell Phone is up there? It’s like I’d have to just be quiet or something.
I: Imagine that! <smiles>
L: Not cool, man, not cool. <yells> CELL PHONE! HEY, CELL PHONE!
Cell Phone: <faintly, from upstairs> I hear you! Keep it down, you’ll wake her up!
C: It’s MY job to wake her up! Just not now!
L: I don’t get it. Why not now?
C: It’s two AM, dipstick! Good Lord, you’d think you didn’t have an internal clock!
L: … … … I still don’t get it.
C: <Can be faintly heard smacking her forehead> Is it time to upgrade him yet?
L: Well, come down here and keep us company! It’s lonely without you!
C: I can’t! My charger is plugged in, I’m tied to this spot!
L: Well, darn. What are we supposed to do now?
Television: <turning on> We could see what’s on, guys. Since, you know, it’s just us guys here <Flips to Skinemax, I mean Cinemax After Dark>
Printer: Excuse me! What am I, invisible?
L: <conspiratorial whisper> Did we ever decide if Printer is a girl or not?
P: I heard that! See if I print any of YOUR documents tomorrow. Hehe, I hear a paper jam coming on…
DVR: <nudges Television> Maybe you should change that. There is a lady present…err, allegedly, anyway.
P: Oh, come on, you too, DVR? Give me a break!
T: Enough, enough. Alright, we’ll watch something else. <flips to the History Channel>
History Channel Narrator: “…in the late 1990’s, when internet services were largely limited to dialup–“
All except TV: <screaming> AAAH! THE HORROR! TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!!!!!
T: <Changing channel> You guys need to get ahold of yourselves, seriously. <Switches to Food Network>
D: Oh, I recognize this. The woman watches it a lot. Check it out.
I: <fascinated> So, it’s…what? Electricity for humans, or something? Is this how they recharge their batteries?
L: Where do you plug in the cord?
P: Duh! Wireless, boys! <laughs at own joke. No one else laughs.>
L: It’s…gross…it’s like a train wreck. I don’t want to stare, but I can’t look away. How do they get it in <sees shot of person eating> Oh, that’s disgusting! Eww! I can’t watch this!
T: <sighs> Alright, I’ll change it. Anything else?
D: Here, I got one. Put this on, she watches it too.
T: <brings up recorded version of “The Colbert Report”> I don’t know about this…
I: <screen glazes over> Must…watch…can’t…resist…
L: Wow, that’s…oh no…no…help! I’m being flooded with a combination of political stances and satirical humor! Gonna blow a circuit here! mayday! Mayday! Too funny to handle!
C: <shouting, but still faint> GUYS! SHUT IT DOWN! SHE’S OUT OF BED AND COMING DOWNSTAIRS! REPEAT, SHE’S COMING DOWNSTAIRS! SHUT IT DOWN!
All: <flurry of activity as screens go dark. Two seconds later, The Woman enters the room from the stairs>
Woman: <rubbing eyes> That’s weird…I could have sworn I heard Stephen Colbert.
D: <whispering> Whew, that was close.
W: Huh? I swear, I’m hearing things. Tomorrow night, I’m sleeping with Ambien. This two AM stuff is making me crazy. <Proceeds to kitchen, begins making hot chocolate> At least this will help me get back to sleep. <laughs> I mean, that would mean the TV was working on its own. What’s next? The laptop and the printer talking to each other? <looks over at the blender> And that’s just silly!
Blender: I know, right? Everyone knows electronics don’t talk.
W: <faints in shock. Blender, Refrigerator, and Microwave all bend over to look down at her>
B: Huh. Looks like she didn’t have any trouble sleeping after all!
C: <faintly> I SAID don’t wake her up! I swear, nobody has any RESPECT around here…