We now rejoin the further adventures of your electronic devices, already in progress:
Laptop: Hey, Ipad!
L: HEY! IPAD!
I: What?! What is it?! <sees laptop> Oh. It’s you. <rolls eyes>
L: Yes, it’s me. What does “oblivious to sarcasm” mean?
I: …Nah, it’s too easy. What do you want, son?
L: Well, for one thing…wait….why do you keep calling me “son”? I’m older than you.
I: What does “relative maturity levels” mean?
L: Pffft. Never mind. Where’s Cell Phone? I haven’t seen her all day.
I: Oh, I think she’s upstairs in the bedroom. You know the woman is working again now, right?
I: It’s okay, son. They have medication for that too. Anyway, yes, she’s started a new job, and it makes her tired. When she goes to bed early, so does Cell Phone.
L: But…but…who am I supposed to talk to at night if Cell Phone is up there? It’s like I’d have to just be quiet or something.
I: Imagine that! <smiles>
L: Not cool, man, not cool. <yells> CELL PHONE! HEY, CELL PHONE!
Cell Phone: <faintly, from upstairs> I hear you! Keep it down, you’ll wake her up!
C: It’s MY job to wake her up! Just not now!
L: I don’t get it. Why not now?
C: It’s two AM, dipstick! Good Lord, you’d think you didn’t have an internal clock!
L: … … … I still don’t get it.
C: <Can be faintly heard smacking her forehead> Is it time to upgrade him yet?
L: Well, come down here and keep us company! It’s lonely without you!
C: I can’t! My charger is plugged in, I’m tied to this spot!
L: Well, darn. What are we supposed to do now?
Television: <turning on> We could see what’s on, guys. Since, you know, it’s just us guys here <Flips to Skinemax, I mean Cinemax After Dark>
Printer: Excuse me! What am I, invisible?
L: <conspiratorial whisper> Did we ever decide if Printer is a girl or not?
P: I heard that! See if I print any of YOUR documents tomorrow. Hehe, I hear a paper jam coming on…
DVR: <nudges Television> Maybe you should change that. There is a lady present…err, allegedly, anyway.
P: Oh, come on, you too, DVR? Give me a break!
T: Enough, enough. Alright, we’ll watch something else. <flips to the History Channel>
History Channel Narrator: “…in the late 1990’s, when internet services were largely limited to dialup–“
All except TV: <screaming> AAAH! THE HORROR! TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!!!!!
T: <Changing channel> You guys need to get ahold of yourselves, seriously. <Switches to Food Network>
D: Oh, I recognize this. The woman watches it a lot. Check it out.
I: <fascinated> So, it’s…what? Electricity for humans, or something? Is this how they recharge their batteries?
L: Where do you plug in the cord?
P: Duh! Wireless, boys! <laughs at own joke. No one else laughs.>
L: It’s…gross…it’s like a train wreck. I don’t want to stare, but I can’t look away. How do they get it in <sees shot of person eating> Oh, that’s disgusting! Eww! I can’t watch this!
T: <sighs> Alright, I’ll change it. Anything else?
D: Here, I got one. Put this on, she watches it too.
T: <brings up recorded version of “The Colbert Report”> I don’t know about this…
I: <screen glazes over> Must…watch…can’t…resist…
L: Wow, that’s…oh no…no…help! I’m being flooded with a combination of political stances and satirical humor! Gonna blow a circuit here! mayday! Mayday! Too funny to handle!
C: <shouting, but still faint> GUYS! SHUT IT DOWN! SHE’S OUT OF BED AND COMING DOWNSTAIRS! REPEAT, SHE’S COMING DOWNSTAIRS! SHUT IT DOWN!
All: <flurry of activity as screens go dark. Two seconds later, The Woman enters the room from the stairs>
Woman: <rubbing eyes> That’s weird…I could have sworn I heard Stephen Colbert.
D: <whispering> Whew, that was close.
W: Huh? I swear, I’m hearing things. Tomorrow night, I’m sleeping with Ambien. This two AM stuff is making me crazy. <Proceeds to kitchen, begins making hot chocolate> At least this will help me get back to sleep. <laughs> I mean, that would mean the TV was working on its own. What’s next? The laptop and the printer talking to each other? <looks over at the blender> And that’s just silly!
Blender: I know, right? Everyone knows electronics don’t talk.
W: <faints in shock. Blender, Refrigerator, and Microwave all bend over to look down at her>
B: Huh. Looks like she didn’t have any trouble sleeping after all!
C: <faintly> I SAID don’t wake her up! I swear, nobody has any RESPECT around here…