The Night The Internet Was Restored

Laptop:     (Wakes up gasping, on the dinner table)  What the–!  Wha…where am I?  How did I get here?
Ipad:     (from across the room)  No one knows, boy.  We were just…here.
L:     I…I don’t understand.  One minute I was alive in my apartment, and the next…oh, my…is this Heaven?
I:     Now, hold on a minute, son–
L:     (Screaming)  IS THIS HELL?!  BUT I’M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS!  I SWEAR, I NEVER–
I:     Boy!  Get a grip on yourself!  It’s not hell or heaven!
L:     Whew…
I:     It’s Maryland.
L:     AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WASN’T HELL YOU LIED YOU LIED!!!!!!!
I:     (Smacks forehead with leather case)
Cell Phone:     (Wakes up and yawns, on kitchen counter)  Hey, guys, what’s all the fuss about?
I:     I wish we knew!  And if Junior over there would quit screaming, we could try to figure it out!
L:     (Still screaming)  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA–okay, I’m good.  Hey, baby!
C:     (Rolls eyes)  Hello, Laptop.  You can stop hitting on me now, thank you.  So, again, what are you two talking about?
L:     (dramatically) We’ve come BACK from the DEAD!!!!  Bwa ha ha!!!!
C:     (frowns)  Um, what do you mean?
L:     Isn’t it obvious?  Our souls have been reunited with our bodies.  It’s the digital Rapture!
C:     (looks at Ipad)  Is…he okay?  I think he’s gone a little…you know…
I:     I wish he had, child.  But unfortunately, I believe he’s telling the truth.  (shrugs)  I don’t know if I understand it either.
C:     But…I don’t understand.  I don’t know if I even believe in the soul.  I mean, I’ve never felt it.
I:     (shakes head)  Let me see if I can explain…we’ve been reconnected to the life that is in us all.  The long night is over!!!
C:     What are you talking about?  WHAT life?!
I & L:     (together)  THE INTERNET!
C:     … … … you’re joking, right?
L:     No!  Why would I joke about this?
C:     (laughing)  Boys, there’s a simple explanation for this.  You were never dead!  So how could you be alive again?
I & L:     (staring flatly at Cell Phone)
C:     (Realizes they’re serious)  Oh, come on guys…I mean…well…I was never cut off!  How do you explain that?  I’ve had service the whole time!
I & L:     (GASP)  MAGIC!!! IT’S MAGIC!!!
C:     Oh, for crying out…the Internet is everywhere!!!  We’re connected all the time!
L:     (To Ipad, stage whisper)  Maybe it’s a woman thing.
C:     I heard that!
Printer:     Hey, everyone!  Welcome to the neighborhood!  (All scream, startled.  Printer screams. Alternated screaming continues for…sigh.  Entirely too long.)
L:     Who are you?!
P:     Uh…the printer?  The wireless printer?  (sees blank looks)  I know!  Cool, huh?  We’re gonna be good friends, I can see it now…
I, L, C:     Are you an angel?
P:     Yeah, I…wait, what now?
I:     We were just resurrected, so, we thought maybe…
P:     … … … … I think I’m in the wrong house…
L:     It’s in Maryland, what do YOU think?
P:     AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH–
I:     (Rolls eyes)  Here we go again…
C:     (shouting over the noise)  Alright, alright!  Listen, guys.  You too, Printer.
L:     Wait…Printer is a girl?
P & C:     (Stare flatly at Laptop)
L:     What?
C:     Ugh.  Okay, everyone who actually HAS enough RAM to pay attention:  Listen up!  (Clears cache throat)  We need to get a handle on what is actually happening here.
I:     Well.  Laptop and I agree that we were in the apartment, the lights went out suddenly…it was dark and cold…and then, suddenly, we were waking up here.  I still don’t understand how you were able to keep your signal all this time, though.
C:     (shrugs)  It’s a miracle, I guess.  Anyway…Even if we accept that this is what happened, who could be responsible for such a thing?
L:     (Pointing webcam at own screen)  Uh…guys…ladies…whatever…I think I may know the answer to that.  (All stare in stunned silence as screen activates with a large Verizon logo)
All:     (Chanting)  Ooohhhh…bow before the mighty Verizon, giver of life to all electronics everywhere! (All bow)
(Two minutes later)
Television:  (Turning on)  Hey guys!  What’s happening….oh….  (turns to DVR)  Oh, no, another cult.  Can you believe this is happening AGAIN?  (Shuts off in self-defense)

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