Laptop: (Wakes up gasping, on the dinner table) What the–! Wha…where am I? How did I get here?
Ipad: (from across the room) No one knows, boy. We were just…here.
L: I…I don’t understand. One minute I was alive in my apartment, and the next…oh, my…is this Heaven?
I: Now, hold on a minute, son–
L: (Screaming) IS THIS HELL?! BUT I’M TOO YOUNG FOR THIS! I SWEAR, I NEVER–
I: Boy! Get a grip on yourself! It’s not hell or heaven!
I: It’s Maryland.
L: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WASN’T HELL YOU LIED YOU LIED!!!!!!!
I: (Smacks forehead with leather case)
Cell Phone: (Wakes up and yawns, on kitchen counter) Hey, guys, what’s all the fuss about?
I: I wish we knew! And if Junior over there would quit screaming, we could try to figure it out!
L: (Still screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA–okay, I’m good. Hey, baby!
C: (Rolls eyes) Hello, Laptop. You can stop hitting on me now, thank you. So, again, what are you two talking about?
L: (dramatically) We’ve come BACK from the DEAD!!!! Bwa ha ha!!!!
C: (frowns) Um, what do you mean?
L: Isn’t it obvious? Our souls have been reunited with our bodies. It’s the digital Rapture!
C: (looks at Ipad) Is…he okay? I think he’s gone a little…you know…
I: I wish he had, child. But unfortunately, I believe he’s telling the truth. (shrugs) I don’t know if I understand it either.
C: But…I don’t understand. I don’t know if I even believe in the soul. I mean, I’ve never felt it.
I: (shakes head) Let me see if I can explain…we’ve been reconnected to the life that is in us all. The long night is over!!!
C: What are you talking about? WHAT life?!
I & L: (together) THE INTERNET!
C: … … … you’re joking, right?
L: No! Why would I joke about this?
C: (laughing) Boys, there’s a simple explanation for this. You were never dead! So how could you be alive again?
I & L: (staring flatly at Cell Phone)
C: (Realizes they’re serious) Oh, come on guys…I mean…well…I was never cut off! How do you explain that? I’ve had service the whole time!
I & L: (GASP) MAGIC!!! IT’S MAGIC!!!
C: Oh, for crying out…the Internet is everywhere!!! We’re connected all the time!
L: (To Ipad, stage whisper) Maybe it’s a woman thing.
C: I heard that!
Printer: Hey, everyone! Welcome to the neighborhood! (All scream, startled. Printer screams. Alternated screaming continues for…sigh. Entirely too long.)
L: Who are you?!
P: Uh…the printer? The wireless printer? (sees blank looks) I know! Cool, huh? We’re gonna be good friends, I can see it now…
I, L, C: Are you an angel?
P: Yeah, I…wait, what now?
I: We were just resurrected, so, we thought maybe…
P: … … … … I think I’m in the wrong house…
L: It’s in Maryland, what do YOU think?
I: (Rolls eyes) Here we go again…
C: (shouting over the noise) Alright, alright! Listen, guys. You too, Printer.
L: Wait…Printer is a girl?
P & C: (Stare flatly at Laptop)
C: Ugh. Okay, everyone who actually HAS enough RAM to pay attention: Listen up! (Clears
cache throat) We need to get a handle on what is actually happening here.
I: Well. Laptop and I agree that we were in the apartment, the lights went out suddenly…it was dark and cold…and then, suddenly, we were waking up here. I still don’t understand how you were able to keep your signal all this time, though.
C: (shrugs) It’s a miracle, I guess. Anyway…Even if we accept that this is what happened, who could be responsible for such a thing?
L: (Pointing webcam at own screen) Uh…guys…ladies…whatever…I think I may know the answer to that. (All stare in stunned silence as screen activates with a large Verizon logo)
All: (Chanting) Ooohhhh…bow before the mighty Verizon, giver of life to all electronics everywhere! (All bow)
(Two minutes later)
Television: (Turning on) Hey guys! What’s happening….oh…. (turns to DVR) Oh, no, another cult. Can you believe this is happening AGAIN? (Shuts off in self-defense)